A Snowman and A Wakeboard

I never knew it would be such a good and a bad thing, I am so happy to be pregnant and feel the kicks and jolts in my tummy, there is no other feeling like it. Last week it really hit me hard, I was so down and its not really that it just hit me all at once but more that I allowed it to wash over me. I have these moments often but push them way and just trust in God and the process to get me through. These moment when the "infertile me" gets the best of me and I don't just mean the biological clock that ticked away inside of me. I mean the part of me that went on for almost four years determined to reach a goal but never believing it would be reached. That part that lost so much hope in the process at times and learned to just realize sometimes dreams, hopes, plans, and wishes just don't come true. Those times when I hid in the corner of my bathroom and just cried, or when I saw a baby and thought, oh I how long for that. How I long for that crying infant, sleepless nights and endless love. How I long for my husband to have a child to dote on and call his on and for our relationship to grow through all of it. I always just thought getting there to the pregnancy part was the hardest part. That once I had a baby inside of me that all those worries and fears would drift away. It was creeping back, that lost hope, that this pregnancy is really going to end in a happy hollywood ending me, daddy, and baby in awe of each other. As soon as I got to the pregnancy part it started to dawn on me that this was the hardest part, I carried Dillon in my heart for the three years and eight months but now I must carry him in my womb for 9 long months. Each twinge or cramp or pain reminded me it could all be over. Through faith I have learned to have hope and stand strong in the storms but its still hard. I carry the fear of losing Dillon with me every day, I wake up and hope to feel him move and make sure he is still ok. Sometimes the days get really long just because I am counting down to his arrival just hoping I get to meet him and my husband gets to meet him and we will all be healthy. I find myself worrying about if something bad will happen like a car accident. I can't quite convince myself that this is really gonna happen and we are really going to be parents at the end of this. And its not that I have a feeling that something will go wrong but just the inherited fear from the journey I have been on for far too long. This was the state of mind I was in as I went into the weekend, and somehow a snowman and a wakeboard healed little peices of my heart even if it was just for a few days. On Friday snow was predicted for our area in GA which never happens around hear, they were predicting 2-4". Kevin called around 11am or so to let me know they closing the court house he works at due to weather conditions. It started raining at the house around 11 and slowly turned into sleet and then by 3 into snow. It was beautiful and a great way to start the weekend. I still didn't believe we would get very much snow though. By 5 or so the ground was covered and we spent the afternoon and evening outside walking around and letting the dogs play in it. Our neighbors have a dog that my dog loves to play with so we took her to visit so they could play, it was already dark but because of the light the snow projected we were still able to play and have a snowball fight with our neighbors. The power went out just as we entered there house to have some coffee, so much for that idea, instead we settled for candlelight and cards. The next day was even better because the sun was out but we still had 5 1/2" on the ground, we played with the dogs again and made our way down to mil's house. We wanted to sled down a hill but did not have a cardboard box or anything to make a sled out of until dh thought of a wakebaord lol. So we took the fins off of the wakeboard and went sleding it was quite unusual but fun, every time I went dh and mil had to help the preggo women ie me get down on the wakeboard, only a few seconds of fun, as it was a very small hill but just fun enough to make me laugh out loud. One time my dog got in the way as she was trying to catch me and somehow the other dog a german shepherd got knocked over in the process. Later that day I showed dh how to roll big snowballs and we made a very large snowman, dh is a gearhead so we went into his shop and got nuts for eyes a bottlecap for a nose, a piece of steel for the mouth and large funnels for arms. It was our masterpeice even if only for a short time, dh is a sheriffs deputy so we decided to put a badge on the snowman and his patrol hat on the him and take a picture. We had a ball and acted like kids again, its this childlike break that was so needed. I laughed just enough and played just hard enough that I forgot that I was a pregnant women who survived infertility and the struggles of that journey and just enough to remind myself that were gonna make it through this pregnancy and God is holding my hand and he knows what is best even when its hard to rest in that fact. Even when its hard he knows when to send snow angles, wakeboards, and a snowman into our lives and if he knows just what it takes to make me laugh and remember he is in charge then who knows just what it takes to allow his will to be done even when I question him or his ideals.