Spirtual giants

Stuffy nose equals unhappy baby, in all the motherhood joy we were awake from ten last night until two in the morning.Needless to say we all had a restless night. Sometimes being a parent can make you feel like your falling apart I really never thought it could be this hard. Spiritually I have been struggling to have faith lately. After almost losing Dillon it feels like I have a hard time trusting and being joyful. I guess it just feels like I tried so hard to have a baby and get to this point that I just want to hold on so tight to my baby and not ever be near that reality of how fragile life is. Faith has always come so easy to me but now I find that trusting God is barely achievable. This is when I hear the voices of people who have influenced me popping in to say this when God wants you to trust him the most but just like all of us tend to do I start doubting. I realize Dillon is a gift from God and we have the honor of being his parents but there is the part of me I guess the selfish part of me that says he is mine and God you let me down you saved him and he is safe and here with me but that close call was just to close, to close for me to believe that your handling this right.All these feelings led me to dusting off my bible in the middle of the night caios and find a pamphlet I saved and stuck in the front of my bible. As I read through it, tears ran down my face it went through stories of people who felt they failed and lost all direction in achieving their missions from the apostle Paul to Job to famous missionaries. They faced spiritual giants too, this helped but I am still not there still not joyful,still lacking. I know there is lesson and God is not finished with me yet.