The best title yet 2010 to 2011

2010 or twenty ten however you say it is coming to close. Throughout my years I have held many titles,

*student

*friend

*daughter

*wife

But the one I have wanted since I was running around caring for my babydolls is MOMMY. After years of dreaming motherhood become a reality and I am not gonna lie it is harder than all you other mommies make it look. Although it may be hard it is oh so worth it. It has brought so much understanding about true unconditional love and made me grateful to the people in my life who had a hand in making me who I am today. So thank you Kevin for chosing me to be your wife and the mother of Dillon our wonderful son who entered our life May 21,2010. I am excited to see where the next year takes us.

I'm a real mommy now

Well I knew it would happen, my little tiny newborn is turning into a little man.He started crawling the other day and looks like such a big boy. Several of our family friends have announced they are pregnant so I was already a little emotional anyway,thinking about when it is time for number two. As happy as I am for others its hard not to be sad that I no longer have a little baby. I am so proud of Dillon he is clapping, crawling and learning so quickly so it makes me feel guilty but I cannot help it. My heart feels this way but my mind says I need my gallbladder out, we barely make enough money as it is although we make ends meet, we have had a hard road this first year with all of Dillons health problems.

So I will convince my heart to listen to my head. Sometimes I think maybe only having one to love and spoil is best but then there is a part of me that says your only young once don't leave this stage with regrets. Some of you reading this , say Catherine your only twenty three you have plenty of time and I would respond by saying yeah but Kevin is thirty one and wanted to have his first child by thirty. So add in our infertility and we are off of our timeline,but you cannot tell God your plans right? Anywho I know Kevin does not want to be having kids when he is in his forties,now I am back at square.

Ok how did you know that one little one was enough or two three...you get the picture.

A white day after Christmas

Eh its Georgia you cannot ask for much more. I could just barely see out of the kitchen window from my bed but I could see the flurries falling quickly. Sometimes God really makes you smile doesn't he, I was like a kid again. Dillon and I went walking and he gasped a little when a flurry went in his mouth. The dogs did not know what to think,not sure if they like it or not.

We had a good Christmas, my grandparents came Wednesday and we stayed around or little town, went to lunch at a local dinner. That night our neighbors were having a Christmas party so we headed over there around seven and my grandparents went to the hotel to turn in for the night. Around nine we were all sitting around talking and Dillon vomitted and soaked me from head to toe, poor little guy caught the stomach bug his daddy was recovering from. So we headed home and I got a quick shower and it was time to pull out the pedialyte. The nurses at after hours said not to give him anything for two hours we went to bed so he finally ate a bottle of formula the next morning. Our Christmas was kind of snowballing downhill.

Kevin had to work Christmas eve, day and the day after, we celebrated Christmas night. Hubby surprised me by asking off two hour early, his presence is the best gift of all anyway. My mother in law came and had soup with us and brought presence. Dillon got all kind of toys and fifteen bucks to add to his piggy bank. All in all even with the mishaps we had a good time.

Pictures to come.

Seven is the number

So I am running a little behind here but the twenty first Dillon turned seven months, hard to believe it. In honor of him turning seven months I wanted to make a list of the things that have made our first seven months easier.

1) Playtex ventaire bottles, easy to clean and work just as good as dr browns.

2) A good bouncer, preferably one that sings, Dillon loves to bounce in his which leaves me with time to get things done

3) Pampers and huggies really are worth the money, I cannot stress enough use COUPONS!

4) Gerber juices can really help with constipation when your little one is in thaat inbetween stage and cannot eat solids, they make white grape and pear.

5) Always have a spare passy, and passy strap

6) You can buy buggy wipes and passy wipes at walmart or drug stores, they just might save your sanity.

7) Burp clothes, use cloth diapers if you have a little spitter they are the most absorbent.

Most of all every baby is different so you will learn as you go but always listen to your maternal instinct, it is there for a reason. I keep procrastinating but I am hoping to take an infant cpr course and I personally think this is of upmost importance.

Oh and another new find for me is wipeable bibs, boy they have saved my washer and dryer from being run ragid.

Yesterday morning we were contemplating going to church, should we stay home and relax or get out of the house. Our neighbors called and told us about a Christmas cantada at a local church and we all decided to head over to the cantada. It was wonderful,you never hear choirs anymore so it was refreshing. As they went through the songs my mind started tryig to unravel what Mary must have been feeling , emotions I could not comprehend. Pregnancy is hard and at times with the hormones I felt like a puppet on a string. Here she is in a fearful state giving birth to the son of God. As a new mom I pictured Mary in stable having one of those out of body expeirences with a panoramic view,she sitting still while everyone else is busy.

I worry about raising Dillon, should I let him watch that show, or hear this music, did you just say that word in front of my son. Parenthood is so overwhelming. Here is Mary with the biggest most overwhelming task of all,raising Jesus.Admist all the craziness it was good to be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. This year has been different a constant struggle to be joyful,to find meaning. Alot of our family and friends are out of work or dealing with chronic illnesses. In Christmas choirs, shopping lists, and baked cookies HE is there, just take moment and know that he is God.

What do you believe is the true meaning of this holiday season and how do you celebrate ?

You almost crawled today

You were awake alot

You spit up so much I lost count

But

You made me laugh when you smiled

When you splashed water all over me

God is trying to heal my heart

With you and that is why I love these moments

Moments that I savor but ones I sometimes dread

Until tomorrow I love you my miracle!

Spirtual giants

Stuffy nose equals unhappy baby, in all the motherhood joy we were awake from ten last night until two in the morning.Needless to say we all had a restless night. Sometimes being a parent can make you feel like your falling apart I really never thought it could be this hard. Spiritually I have been struggling to have faith lately. After almost losing Dillon it feels like I have a hard time trusting and being joyful. I guess it just feels like I tried so hard to have a baby and get to this point that I just want to hold on so tight to my baby and not ever be near that reality of how fragile life is. Faith has always come so easy to me but now I find that trusting God is barely achievable. This is when I hear the voices of people who have influenced me popping in to say this when God wants you to trust him the most but just like all of us tend to do I start doubting. I realize Dillon is a gift from God and we have the honor of being his parents but there is the part of me I guess the selfish part of me that says he is mine and God you let me down you saved him and he is safe and here with me but that close call was just to close, to close for me to believe that your handling this right.All these feelings led me to dusting off my bible in the middle of the night caios and find a pamphlet I saved and stuck in the front of my bible. As I read through it, tears ran down my face it went through stories of people who felt they failed and lost all direction in achieving their missions from the apostle Paul to Job to famous missionaries. They faced spiritual giants too, this helped but I am still not there still not joyful,still lacking. I know there is lesson and God is not finished with me yet.